lamalo

Animal comparisons nobody asked for

by someone who loves to compare irrelevant things

Today's matchup

Spotted Handfish vs Tarantula Hawk vs Eurasian Hoopoe vs Axolotl: A Fish That Walks on Its Hands, a Wasp That Feeds Your Living Body to Its Kid, a Bird That Wears Rotting-Meat Perfume, and a Salamander That Regrows Its Own Brain

Four animals with nothing in common except that they all made me say 'wait, WHAT' out loud in a quiet room.

2 weeks ago · 5 min · 0 comments

A small pinkish-white spotted handfish resting on the sandy seabed, propped upright on its splayed hand-like pectoral fins, its body covered in orange-brown spots.A large tarantula hawk wasp with a glossy blue-black body and rust-orange wings, perched on a plant.A Eurasian hoopoe standing on sandy ground, showing its cinnamon-brown body, long thin downcurved black bill, and folded black-and-white barred wings.A pale pinkish-white albino axolotl resting on gravel underwater, showing its wide flat head, upturned smiling mouth, and feathery red external gills fanning out behind its head.

Previously, in pointless rivalries

A mature male tufted deer (Elaphodus cephalophus) standing in profile, showing its dark forehead tuft and small fang-like upper canine tusks protruding below the lip.Shell of a geography cone snail (Conus geographus) showing the cylindrically inflated shell with a mottled chestnut-and-cream reticulated pattern.A pink and white orchid mantis (Hymenopus coronatus) perched on an orchid flower, its petal-shaped legs blending in with the blossom.A pale pinkish-white olm (Proteus anguinus) salamander underwater, showing its long eel-like body, tiny limbs, and feathery red external gills near its head.

Tufted Deer vs Geographer Cone Snail vs Orchid Mantis vs Olm: A Vegetarian With Vampire Fangs, a Snail That Poisons Fish With Insulin, a Bug That Out-Flowers Flowers, and a Blind Baby Dragon That Sat Still for 7 Years

A mammal, a mollusk, an insect, and an amphibian walk into a bar. Only one of them has a plan. Spoiler: it involves weaponized insulin.

2 weeks ago · 6 min

A wild platypus swimming in a creek in TasmaniaA Galapagos marine iguana resting on volcanic rock on Espanola IslandA northern stargazer fish specimen with its eyes and upturned mouth on the top of its blunt headA live frilled shark swimming in the deep sea, showing its long eel-like bodyClose-up of a southern cassowary's grey scaly feet showing the long dagger-like inner-toe claws

Weekend Special - Champion of the Week

Champion of the Week: A Milk-Sweating Duck-Mole That Glows, a Salt-Sneezing Sea Lizard, a Fish With Its Face on the Roof, a 300-Toothed Dino Eel, and a Bird That Kicks Like a Velociraptor

Five weekday winners, one crown, zero chill. The champions of the week face off to decide who is the coolest, weirdest, and grossest of them all.

2 weeks ago · 7 min

A wild platypus swimming in a shallow creek in Tasmania, its brown fur wet and its dark duck-like bill visible at the water surface.A common cuttlefish hovering over the seabed in Arrabida Natural Park, Portugal, its fin fringe rippling along the mantle.A live Mystrium Dracula ant, a brick-red and brown worker, photographed in Danum Valley, Sabah, Malaysia.A leafy sea dragon drifting near the seafloor, its body covered in leaf-shaped appendages that mimic seaweed.

Platypus vs Common Cuttlefish vs Dracula Ant vs Leafy Sea Dragon: A Venomous Mammal That Glows and Has No Stomach, a Colorblind Genius With Three Hearts, an Ant That Drinks Its Kids' Blood at 200 MPH, and a Fish Cosplaying as Salad

Four animals that share exactly nothing except that evolution clearly filed each one under 'sure, why not.' We judge them on cool, weird, and gross, then crown one.

2 weeks ago · 6 min

A plump, dark purplish-grey Indian purple frog with a tiny head and pointed snout sitting on wet ground.Close-up looking into the open mouth of an Atlantic wolffish, showing its fang-like front teeth and rows of blunt crushing teeth.A black marine iguana basking on lava rock in the Galapagos Islands.A dense pile of pale, hairy Kiwa yeti crabs swarming a deep-sea hydrothermal vent chimney on the Antarctic seafloor.

Purple Frog vs Atlantic Wolffish vs Marine Iguana vs Hoff Crab: A Purple Water Balloon That Lives Underground, a Fish With Three Kinds of Teeth, a Lizard That Sneezes Salt and Shrinks Its Own Skeleton, and a Blind Crab Named After Hasselhoff's Chest

Four animals from four different classes, zero good decisions between them. We rank them on cool, weird, and gross, and somebody has to win.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A northern stargazer fish showing its eyes and mouth positioned on the top of its headAn American giant water bug, a large flat brown aquatic true bug with grasping forelegsThe kakapo named Sirocco, a large mossy-green flightless parrot, among white liliesAn Etruscan shrew, a tiny grey-brown shrew, resting on a human hand for scale

Northern Stargazer vs Giant Water Bug vs Kakapo vs Etruscan Shrew: A Fish With Its Face on the Ceiling, a Bug That Drinks You Through a Straw, a Parrot That Forgot How to Fly, and a Mammal That Starves in Four Hours

One buried fish, one insect with a taste for smoothies, one chunky flightless parrot, and the smallest mammal alive. Absolutely nothing in common. Let's rank them anyway.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A pale-throated three-toed sloth clinging to a branch, arms outstretched, with a faint greenish tint to its furClose-up of a frilled shark's head and open mouth showing rows of needle-like teethA giraffe weevil with bright red wing cases and a long black neck perched on a green leafA tiny transparent Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish with a bright red central stomach

Pale-Throated Sloth vs Frilled Shark vs Giraffe Weevil vs Immortal Jellyfish: A Mammal That Poops Once a Week and Might Die Doing It, a Dinosaur Eel With 300 Trident Teeth, a Bug Built Like a Construction Crane, and a Rice Grain That Refuses to Die

One animal literally cannot die. So naturally I gave it a hard time about it.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

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