lamalo

Animal comparisons nobody asked for

by someone who loves to compare irrelevant things

Tag

#cross-taxa

13 matchups tagged cross-taxa.

A small pinkish-white spotted handfish resting on the sandy seabed, propped upright on its splayed hand-like pectoral fins, its body covered in orange-brown spots.A large tarantula hawk wasp with a glossy blue-black body and rust-orange wings, perched on a plant.A Eurasian hoopoe standing on sandy ground, showing its cinnamon-brown body, long thin downcurved black bill, and folded black-and-white barred wings.A pale pinkish-white albino axolotl resting on gravel underwater, showing its wide flat head, upturned smiling mouth, and feathery red external gills fanning out behind its head.

Spotted Handfish vs Tarantula Hawk vs Eurasian Hoopoe vs Axolotl: A Fish That Walks on Its Hands, a Wasp That Feeds Your Living Body to Its Kid, a Bird That Wears Rotting-Meat Perfume, and a Salamander That Regrows Its Own Brain

Four animals with nothing in common except that they all made me say 'wait, WHAT' out loud in a quiet room.

2 weeks ago · 5 min

A mature male tufted deer (Elaphodus cephalophus) standing in profile, showing its dark forehead tuft and small fang-like upper canine tusks protruding below the lip.Shell of a geography cone snail (Conus geographus) showing the cylindrically inflated shell with a mottled chestnut-and-cream reticulated pattern.A pink and white orchid mantis (Hymenopus coronatus) perched on an orchid flower, its petal-shaped legs blending in with the blossom.A pale pinkish-white olm (Proteus anguinus) salamander underwater, showing its long eel-like body, tiny limbs, and feathery red external gills near its head.

Tufted Deer vs Geographer Cone Snail vs Orchid Mantis vs Olm: A Vegetarian With Vampire Fangs, a Snail That Poisons Fish With Insulin, a Bug That Out-Flowers Flowers, and a Blind Baby Dragon That Sat Still for 7 Years

A mammal, a mollusk, an insect, and an amphibian walk into a bar. Only one of them has a plan. Spoiler: it involves weaponized insulin.

2 weeks ago · 6 min

A wild platypus swimming in a shallow creek in Tasmania, its brown fur wet and its dark duck-like bill visible at the water surface.A common cuttlefish hovering over the seabed in Arrabida Natural Park, Portugal, its fin fringe rippling along the mantle.A live Mystrium Dracula ant, a brick-red and brown worker, photographed in Danum Valley, Sabah, Malaysia.A leafy sea dragon drifting near the seafloor, its body covered in leaf-shaped appendages that mimic seaweed.

Platypus vs Common Cuttlefish vs Dracula Ant vs Leafy Sea Dragon: A Venomous Mammal That Glows and Has No Stomach, a Colorblind Genius With Three Hearts, an Ant That Drinks Its Kids' Blood at 200 MPH, and a Fish Cosplaying as Salad

Four animals that share exactly nothing except that evolution clearly filed each one under 'sure, why not.' We judge them on cool, weird, and gross, then crown one.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A northern stargazer fish showing its eyes and mouth positioned on the top of its headAn American giant water bug, a large flat brown aquatic true bug with grasping forelegsThe kakapo named Sirocco, a large mossy-green flightless parrot, among white liliesAn Etruscan shrew, a tiny grey-brown shrew, resting on a human hand for scale

Northern Stargazer vs Giant Water Bug vs Kakapo vs Etruscan Shrew: A Fish With Its Face on the Ceiling, a Bug That Drinks You Through a Straw, a Parrot That Forgot How to Fly, and a Mammal That Starves in Four Hours

One buried fish, one insect with a taste for smoothies, one chunky flightless parrot, and the smallest mammal alive. Absolutely nothing in common. Let's rank them anyway.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A pale-throated three-toed sloth clinging to a branch, arms outstretched, with a faint greenish tint to its furClose-up of a frilled shark's head and open mouth showing rows of needle-like teethA giraffe weevil with bright red wing cases and a long black neck perched on a green leafA tiny transparent Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish with a bright red central stomach

Pale-Throated Sloth vs Frilled Shark vs Giraffe Weevil vs Immortal Jellyfish: A Mammal That Poops Once a Week and Might Die Doing It, a Dinosaur Eel With 300 Trident Teeth, a Bug Built Like a Construction Crane, and a Rice Grain That Refuses to Die

One animal literally cannot die. So naturally I gave it a hard time about it.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A shaggy black binturong with a long tail resting on a wooden platformA dark giant vinegaroon with pincer-like pedipalps and a long thin whip tail on soilHistorical scientific illustration of the pelican eel with an enormous mouth and long whip tailA mata mata turtle with a knobby leaf-like shell and a broad flat triangular head underwater

Binturong vs Vinegaroon vs Pelican Eel vs Mata Mata Turtle: A Bearcat That Smells Like Movie Popcorn, an Arachnid That Sprays Vinegar From Its Butt, an Eel That Is 90 Percent Mouth, and a Turtle Pretending to Be Wet Garbage

One mammal, one arachnid, one fish, one reptile, zero good decisions. Four wildly unrelated animals enter, and I judge them on how cool, weird, and gross they are.

4 weeks ago · 6 min

A metallic emerald-green jewel wasp with red-orange upper legs perched on a leafAn Atlantic mudskipper resting on wet mud with bulging eyes set high on its headA live Pyrenean desman cupped in a hand, showing its long trunk-like snoutA common potoo perched upright on a branch with mottled grey-brown camouflage plumage

Jewel Wasp vs Atlantic Mudskipper vs Pyrenean Desman vs Common Potoo: A Wasp That Does Brain Surgery on Roaches and Walks Them to Their Grave, a Fish That Went for a Walk, a Trumpet-Nosed Mole That Eats Half Itself Daily, and a Bird That Turns Into a Log and Watches You Through Shut Eyes

Four animals, zero things in common, one crown. We judge on cool, weird, and gross, the only metrics that have ever mattered.

4 weeks ago · 5 min

A burrowed bobbit worm (Eunice aphroditois) with iridescent body emerging from sedimentA large coconut crab (Birgus latro) with thick blue and orange legs on the groundA blue dragon sea slug (Glaucus atlanticus) with bright blue frilly cerata held in a handClose-up front view of an agile antechinus (Antechinus agilis), a small brown marsupial, on cloth

Bobbit Worm vs Coconut Crab vs Blue Dragon Sea Slug vs Agile Antechinus: A 10-Foot Sand Bear Trap, a Tree-Climbing Nutcracker That Weighs 9 Pounds, a Grape-Sized Slug That Mugs a Man o' War for Its Weapons, and a Mouse That Has So Much Sex It Falls Apart

A worm, a crab, a slug, and a marsupial walk into a bar. Three of them leave. One of them is legally dead from exhaustion.

4 weeks ago · 6 min

A shoebill standing upright showing its massive clog-shaped hooked bill and pale grey plumageA shaggy striped hairy frogfish resting on the seafloor covered in whisker-like skin spinesA bright red and black fuzzy velvet ant, a wingless wasp, walking on the groundA long-eared jerboa, a tiny desert rodent with enormous ears and long hind legs

Shoebill vs Hairy Frogfish vs Velvet Ant vs Long-Eared Jerboa: A Statue That Swallows Crocodiles, a Fish in a Bad Wig, a Wasp Named After Killing Cattle It Never Killed, and a Rodent That Is 80 Percent Ears

Four kingdoms of vibe, zero theme, one winner. Judged only on cool, weird, and gross.

4 weeks ago · 5 min

A tiger pistol shrimp, banded and cream-colored, at the entrance of its sandy burrowA Texas horned lizard on dry ground, showing its spiky crown of horns and mottled tan camouflageA hoatzin perched in foliage, showing its spiky rufous crest, blue face, and red eye

Tiger Pistol Shrimp vs Texas Horned Lizard vs Hoatzin: A Shrimp That Fires a Sun-Hot Bubble, a Lizard That Shoots Blood From Its Eyes, and a Bird That Ferments Like a Cow and Smells Like One

One crustacean, one reptile, one bird, and three completely unrelated ways to horrify a predator. Let's judge them on cool, weird, and gross.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

A sarcastic fringehead poking its head out of a clear plastic tube on the sea floorA pink fairy armadillo specimen showing its small pink dorsal shell and silky white furAn assassin bug nymph carrying a mound of dead ant carcasses on its back

Sarcastic Fringehead vs Pink Fairy Armadillo vs Ant-Backpack Assassin Bug: A Fish That Kiss-Fights, a Dinner Roll That Swims Through Dirt, and a Bug That Wears Its Victims

One settles arguments by mouth-wrestling, one vanishes into solid ground, and one commutes wearing a pile of corpses. We judge all three on cool, weird, and gross.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

A hairless, wrinkled pink naked mole-rat with prominent front teethA small dark reddish juvenile vampire squid drifting among white particles in deep waterA black male magnificent frigatebird with a red throat pouch beside a white-headed juvenile

Naked Mole-Rat vs Vampire Squid vs Magnificent Frigatebird: An Unkillable Wrinkly Sausage, a Squid From Hell That Eats Snow, and a Bird That Mugs You Mid-Air

One refuses to die. One refuses to be a real squid. One refuses to ever land. Three categories, one winner, zero editing.

6 weeks ago · 5 min

A star-nosed mole showing its pink star-shaped ring of fleshy nose tentacles.A vividly colored peacock mantis shrimp with green, red, and blue armor on a reef.A bombardier beetle of the genus Brachinus with an orange thorax and dark blue wing covers.

Star-Nosed Mole vs Mantis Shrimp vs Bombardier Beetle: A Nose That Sees, a Fist That Boils Water, and a Butt That Shoots Boiling Acid

A blind mammal that eats faster than you can blink, a shrimp that punches at handgun speeds, and a beetle running a chemical reactor in its abdomen. Three creatures, three felonies against good taste, one winner.

6 weeks ago · 5 min

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