lamalo

Animal comparisons nobody asked for

by someone who loves to compare irrelevant things

Tag

#Malacostraca

7 matchups tagged Malacostraca.

A plump, dark purplish-grey Indian purple frog with a tiny head and pointed snout sitting on wet ground.Close-up looking into the open mouth of an Atlantic wolffish, showing its fang-like front teeth and rows of blunt crushing teeth.A black marine iguana basking on lava rock in the Galapagos Islands.A dense pile of pale, hairy Kiwa yeti crabs swarming a deep-sea hydrothermal vent chimney on the Antarctic seafloor.

Purple Frog vs Atlantic Wolffish vs Marine Iguana vs Hoff Crab: A Purple Water Balloon That Lives Underground, a Fish With Three Kinds of Teeth, a Lizard That Sneezes Salt and Shrinks Its Own Skeleton, and a Blind Crab Named After Hasselhoff's Chest

Four animals from four different classes, zero good decisions between them. We rank them on cool, weird, and gross, and somebody has to win.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A marabou stork standing with hunched shoulders, bald pink head, and a long dangling throat pouch, looking like it is about to read you a eulogy.A pale, armored giant isopod on the dark Gulf of Mexico sea floor, its overlapping plated body and many legs making it look like an alien parking clamp.A thorny devil lizard on red desert ground, its whole body covered in conical spikes, with a large spiny knob behind its head.A large brown goliath birdeater tarantula specimen shown from above, its thick hairy legs spread across nearly the width of a dinner plate.

Marabou Stork vs Giant Isopod vs Thorny Devil vs Goliath Birdeater: An Undertaker Bird That Pees on Its Own Legs, a Deep-Sea Roly-Poly That Skipped Food for 5 Years, a Lizard That Drinks Through Its Skin, and a Dinner-Plate Spider That Hisses

A bird that cools off by defecating on itself, a crustacean the size of a football that fasted longer than most gym memberships, a desert lizard that turns rain into a beverage, and a spider you can hear from across the room. One crown, four bad decisions by evolution.

4 weeks ago · 6 min

A burrowed bobbit worm (Eunice aphroditois) with iridescent body emerging from sedimentA large coconut crab (Birgus latro) with thick blue and orange legs on the groundA blue dragon sea slug (Glaucus atlanticus) with bright blue frilly cerata held in a handClose-up front view of an agile antechinus (Antechinus agilis), a small brown marsupial, on cloth

Bobbit Worm vs Coconut Crab vs Blue Dragon Sea Slug vs Agile Antechinus: A 10-Foot Sand Bear Trap, a Tree-Climbing Nutcracker That Weighs 9 Pounds, a Grape-Sized Slug That Mugs a Man o' War for Its Weapons, and a Mouse That Has So Much Sex It Falls Apart

A worm, a crab, a slug, and a marsupial walk into a bar. Three of them leave. One of them is legally dead from exhaustion.

4 weeks ago · 6 min

A tiger pistol shrimp, banded and cream-colored, at the entrance of its sandy burrowA Texas horned lizard on dry ground, showing its spiky crown of horns and mottled tan camouflageA hoatzin perched in foliage, showing its spiky rufous crest, blue face, and red eye

Tiger Pistol Shrimp vs Texas Horned Lizard vs Hoatzin: A Shrimp That Fires a Sun-Hot Bubble, a Lizard That Shoots Blood From Its Eyes, and a Bird That Ferments Like a Cow and Smells Like One

One crustacean, one reptile, one bird, and three completely unrelated ways to horrify a predator. Let's judge them on cool, weird, and gross.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

Scanning electron micrograph of an active Milnesium tardigradum showing its plump body, eight stubby legs, and clawed feet.A hairless, wrinkled pink naked mole-rat with prominent front teethA tongue-eating louse sitting inside the open mouth of a striped seabream where the tongue used to beA Pacific hagfish poking out of a hole on the seafloor at 150 meters depthA bombardier beetle of the genus Brachinus with an orange thorax and dark blue wing covers.

Weekend Special - Champion of the Week

Champion of the Week: Five Weekday Winners, One Crown

A space-proof bug, a deathless sausage, a tongue thief, a highway-slimer, and a butt-cannon beetle walk into a Saturday. Only one is Critter of the Week.

6 weeks ago · 6 min

A flattened, leaf-shaped female Surinam toad specimen viewed from aboveA saiga antelope showing its distinctive large, downward-drooping noseA tongue-eating louse sitting inside the open mouth of a striped seabream where the tongue used to be

Surinam Toad vs Saiga Antelope vs Tongue-Eating Louse: A Back Full of Babies, a Honking Nose-Trunk, and a Bug That Becomes Your Tongue

Three animals that have absolutely nothing in common except that all three made me say out loud, in an empty room, 'no thank you.'

6 weeks ago · 5 min

A star-nosed mole showing its pink star-shaped ring of fleshy nose tentacles.A vividly colored peacock mantis shrimp with green, red, and blue armor on a reef.A bombardier beetle of the genus Brachinus with an orange thorax and dark blue wing covers.

Star-Nosed Mole vs Mantis Shrimp vs Bombardier Beetle: A Nose That Sees, a Fist That Boils Water, and a Butt That Shoots Boiling Acid

A blind mammal that eats faster than you can blink, a shrimp that punches at handgun speeds, and a beetle running a chemical reactor in its abdomen. Three creatures, three felonies against good taste, one winner.

6 weeks ago · 5 min

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