lamalo

Animal comparisons nobody asked for

by someone who loves to compare irrelevant things

Tag

#totally-random

28 matchups tagged totally-random.

A small pinkish-white spotted handfish resting on the sandy seabed, propped upright on its splayed hand-like pectoral fins, its body covered in orange-brown spots.A large tarantula hawk wasp with a glossy blue-black body and rust-orange wings, perched on a plant.A Eurasian hoopoe standing on sandy ground, showing its cinnamon-brown body, long thin downcurved black bill, and folded black-and-white barred wings.A pale pinkish-white albino axolotl resting on gravel underwater, showing its wide flat head, upturned smiling mouth, and feathery red external gills fanning out behind its head.

Spotted Handfish vs Tarantula Hawk vs Eurasian Hoopoe vs Axolotl: A Fish That Walks on Its Hands, a Wasp That Feeds Your Living Body to Its Kid, a Bird That Wears Rotting-Meat Perfume, and a Salamander That Regrows Its Own Brain

Four animals with nothing in common except that they all made me say 'wait, WHAT' out loud in a quiet room.

2 weeks ago · 5 min

A mature male tufted deer (Elaphodus cephalophus) standing in profile, showing its dark forehead tuft and small fang-like upper canine tusks protruding below the lip.Shell of a geography cone snail (Conus geographus) showing the cylindrically inflated shell with a mottled chestnut-and-cream reticulated pattern.A pink and white orchid mantis (Hymenopus coronatus) perched on an orchid flower, its petal-shaped legs blending in with the blossom.A pale pinkish-white olm (Proteus anguinus) salamander underwater, showing its long eel-like body, tiny limbs, and feathery red external gills near its head.

Tufted Deer vs Geographer Cone Snail vs Orchid Mantis vs Olm: A Vegetarian With Vampire Fangs, a Snail That Poisons Fish With Insulin, a Bug That Out-Flowers Flowers, and a Blind Baby Dragon That Sat Still for 7 Years

A mammal, a mollusk, an insect, and an amphibian walk into a bar. Only one of them has a plan. Spoiler: it involves weaponized insulin.

2 weeks ago · 6 min

A wild platypus swimming in a creek in TasmaniaA Galapagos marine iguana resting on volcanic rock on Espanola IslandA northern stargazer fish specimen with its eyes and upturned mouth on the top of its blunt headA live frilled shark swimming in the deep sea, showing its long eel-like bodyClose-up of a southern cassowary's grey scaly feet showing the long dagger-like inner-toe claws

Weekend Special - Champion of the Week

Champion of the Week: A Milk-Sweating Duck-Mole That Glows, a Salt-Sneezing Sea Lizard, a Fish With Its Face on the Roof, a 300-Toothed Dino Eel, and a Bird That Kicks Like a Velociraptor

Five weekday winners, one crown, zero chill. The champions of the week face off to decide who is the coolest, weirdest, and grossest of them all.

2 weeks ago · 7 min

A wild platypus swimming in a shallow creek in Tasmania, its brown fur wet and its dark duck-like bill visible at the water surface.A common cuttlefish hovering over the seabed in Arrabida Natural Park, Portugal, its fin fringe rippling along the mantle.A live Mystrium Dracula ant, a brick-red and brown worker, photographed in Danum Valley, Sabah, Malaysia.A leafy sea dragon drifting near the seafloor, its body covered in leaf-shaped appendages that mimic seaweed.

Platypus vs Common Cuttlefish vs Dracula Ant vs Leafy Sea Dragon: A Venomous Mammal That Glows and Has No Stomach, a Colorblind Genius With Three Hearts, an Ant That Drinks Its Kids' Blood at 200 MPH, and a Fish Cosplaying as Salad

Four animals that share exactly nothing except that evolution clearly filed each one under 'sure, why not.' We judge them on cool, weird, and gross, then crown one.

2 weeks ago · 6 min

A plump, dark purplish-grey Indian purple frog with a tiny head and pointed snout sitting on wet ground.Close-up looking into the open mouth of an Atlantic wolffish, showing its fang-like front teeth and rows of blunt crushing teeth.A black marine iguana basking on lava rock in the Galapagos Islands.A dense pile of pale, hairy Kiwa yeti crabs swarming a deep-sea hydrothermal vent chimney on the Antarctic seafloor.

Purple Frog vs Atlantic Wolffish vs Marine Iguana vs Hoff Crab: A Purple Water Balloon That Lives Underground, a Fish With Three Kinds of Teeth, a Lizard That Sneezes Salt and Shrinks Its Own Skeleton, and a Blind Crab Named After Hasselhoff's Chest

Four animals from four different classes, zero good decisions between them. We rank them on cool, weird, and gross, and somebody has to win.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A northern stargazer fish showing its eyes and mouth positioned on the top of its headAn American giant water bug, a large flat brown aquatic true bug with grasping forelegsThe kakapo named Sirocco, a large mossy-green flightless parrot, among white liliesAn Etruscan shrew, a tiny grey-brown shrew, resting on a human hand for scale

Northern Stargazer vs Giant Water Bug vs Kakapo vs Etruscan Shrew: A Fish With Its Face on the Ceiling, a Bug That Drinks You Through a Straw, a Parrot That Forgot How to Fly, and a Mammal That Starves in Four Hours

One buried fish, one insect with a taste for smoothies, one chunky flightless parrot, and the smallest mammal alive. Absolutely nothing in common. Let's rank them anyway.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A pale-throated three-toed sloth clinging to a branch, arms outstretched, with a faint greenish tint to its furClose-up of a frilled shark's head and open mouth showing rows of needle-like teethA giraffe weevil with bright red wing cases and a long black neck perched on a green leafA tiny transparent Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish with a bright red central stomach

Pale-Throated Sloth vs Frilled Shark vs Giraffe Weevil vs Immortal Jellyfish: A Mammal That Poops Once a Week and Might Die Doing It, a Dinosaur Eel With 300 Trident Teeth, a Bug Built Like a Construction Crane, and a Rice Grain That Refuses to Die

One animal literally cannot die. So naturally I gave it a hard time about it.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A long-legged maned wolf with reddish fur and black stocking legs stretching outdoorsA pale, translucent Antarctic blackfin icefish with a large mouth and dark fins, photographed at Palmer Station, AntarcticaHoneypot ant repletes hanging from the nest with round, swollen, amber abdomens full of stored nectarA southern cassowary standing, showing its glossy black body, blue and red neck, red wattles, and grey casque

Maned Wolf vs Blackfin Icefish vs Honeypot Ant vs Southern Cassowary: A Fox on Stilts That Pees Weed, a Fish With Clear Blood, a Living Honey Balloon, and a Bird That Kicks Like a Velociraptor

One grassland stilt-dog, one Antarctic ghost fish, one ant that turned itself into a snack jar, and one bird that files taxes as a war crime. Only one gets the crown.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

The metallic blue-green emerald cockroach wasp (Ampulex compressa), also called the jewel waspClose-up profile of a marabou stork's bald pinkish head, massive wedge-shaped bill, and reddish neck skinA small blue-and-silver Glaucus atlanticus (blue dragon sea slug) with outstretched finger-like cerata on wet sand1896 scientific illustration of the pelican eel (Eurypharynx pelecanoides), a dark deep-sea eel with an enormous loose-hinged mouth and a long whip-like tailA long-eared jerboa (Euchoreutes naso), a tiny sandy-colored rodent with enormous ears

Weekend Special - Champion of the Week

Champion of the Week: A Corpse Stork That Poops on Its Own Legs, a Fish That Is Mostly Mouth, a Wasp That Does Roach Brain Surgery, a Slug That Robs a Man o' War, and a Gerbil Wearing Satellite Dishes

Five weekday winners walk into the arena. Only one walks out wearing the crown. The other four can walk it off.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A marabou stork standing with hunched shoulders, bald pink head, and a long dangling throat pouch, looking like it is about to read you a eulogy.A pale, armored giant isopod on the dark Gulf of Mexico sea floor, its overlapping plated body and many legs making it look like an alien parking clamp.A thorny devil lizard on red desert ground, its whole body covered in conical spikes, with a large spiny knob behind its head.A large brown goliath birdeater tarantula specimen shown from above, its thick hairy legs spread across nearly the width of a dinner plate.

Marabou Stork vs Giant Isopod vs Thorny Devil vs Goliath Birdeater: An Undertaker Bird That Pees on Its Own Legs, a Deep-Sea Roly-Poly That Skipped Food for 5 Years, a Lizard That Drinks Through Its Skin, and a Dinner-Plate Spider That Hisses

A bird that cools off by defecating on itself, a crustacean the size of a football that fasted longer than most gym memberships, a desert lizard that turns rain into a beverage, and a spider you can hear from across the room. One crown, four bad decisions by evolution.

3 weeks ago · 6 min

A shaggy black binturong with a long tail resting on a wooden platformA dark giant vinegaroon with pincer-like pedipalps and a long thin whip tail on soilHistorical scientific illustration of the pelican eel with an enormous mouth and long whip tailA mata mata turtle with a knobby leaf-like shell and a broad flat triangular head underwater

Binturong vs Vinegaroon vs Pelican Eel vs Mata Mata Turtle: A Bearcat That Smells Like Movie Popcorn, an Arachnid That Sprays Vinegar From Its Butt, an Eel That Is 90 Percent Mouth, and a Turtle Pretending to Be Wet Garbage

One mammal, one arachnid, one fish, one reptile, zero good decisions. Four wildly unrelated animals enter, and I judge them on how cool, weird, and gross they are.

4 weeks ago · 6 min

A metallic emerald-green jewel wasp with red-orange upper legs perched on a leafAn Atlantic mudskipper resting on wet mud with bulging eyes set high on its headA live Pyrenean desman cupped in a hand, showing its long trunk-like snoutA common potoo perched upright on a branch with mottled grey-brown camouflage plumage

Jewel Wasp vs Atlantic Mudskipper vs Pyrenean Desman vs Common Potoo: A Wasp That Does Brain Surgery on Roaches and Walks Them to Their Grave, a Fish That Went for a Walk, a Trumpet-Nosed Mole That Eats Half Itself Daily, and a Bird That Turns Into a Log and Watches You Through Shut Eyes

Four animals, zero things in common, one crown. We judge on cool, weird, and gross, the only metrics that have ever mattered.

4 weeks ago · 5 min

A burrowed bobbit worm (Eunice aphroditois) with iridescent body emerging from sedimentA large coconut crab (Birgus latro) with thick blue and orange legs on the groundA blue dragon sea slug (Glaucus atlanticus) with bright blue frilly cerata held in a handClose-up front view of an agile antechinus (Antechinus agilis), a small brown marsupial, on cloth

Bobbit Worm vs Coconut Crab vs Blue Dragon Sea Slug vs Agile Antechinus: A 10-Foot Sand Bear Trap, a Tree-Climbing Nutcracker That Weighs 9 Pounds, a Grape-Sized Slug That Mugs a Man o' War for Its Weapons, and a Mouse That Has So Much Sex It Falls Apart

A worm, a crab, a slug, and a marsupial walk into a bar. Three of them leave. One of them is legally dead from exhaustion.

4 weeks ago · 6 min

A shoebill standing upright showing its massive clog-shaped hooked bill and pale grey plumageA shaggy striped hairy frogfish resting on the seafloor covered in whisker-like skin spinesA bright red and black fuzzy velvet ant, a wingless wasp, walking on the groundA long-eared jerboa, a tiny desert rodent with enormous ears and long hind legs

Shoebill vs Hairy Frogfish vs Velvet Ant vs Long-Eared Jerboa: A Statue That Swallows Crocodiles, a Fish in a Bad Wig, a Wasp Named After Killing Cattle It Never Killed, and a Rodent That Is 80 Percent Ears

Four kingdoms of vibe, zero theme, one winner. Judged only on cool, weird, and gross.

4 weeks ago · 5 min

A barreleye fish specimen collected during a NOAA Gulf of Alaska seamounts expedition, showing its rounded head and upward eyesA Texas horned lizard on sandy ground, showing its flattened spiny body and crown of cranial hornsA wetapunga giant weta specimen from the Auckland Museum entomology collection, showing its heavy body and long spiny legsA pink fairy armadillo showing its small pale-pink dorsal shell and large front digging clawsA live Osedax japonicus bone-eating worm on display at Enoshima Aquarium in Japan

Weekend Special - Champion of the Week

Champion of the Week: A Glass-Headed Fish, a Blood-Squirting Lizard, a Sparrow-Sized Bug, a Blushing Sand Swimmer, and the Mouthless Worm That Ate Them All

Five weekday winners walk into the ring. One of them does not have a mouth, and somehow that is the one you should be afraid of.

4 weeks ago · 6 min

A Hispaniolan solenodon, a brown shrew-like mammal with a long flexible snout and small eyesA barreleye fish specimen collected from the deep sea, dome not intactA large glossy black Lord Howe Island stick insect specimen

Hispaniolan Solenodon vs Barreleye vs Lord Howe Tree Lobster: A Venomous Fossil That Smells Like a Goat, a Fish With a See-Through Skull, and a Bug That Came Back From the Dead

A mammal older than the last dinosaurs, a fish that looks up through its own transparent forehead, and the rarest insect on Earth walk into a bar. One leaves with a crown.

4 weeks ago · 5 min

A tiger pistol shrimp, banded and cream-colored, at the entrance of its sandy burrowA Texas horned lizard on dry ground, showing its spiky crown of horns and mottled tan camouflageA hoatzin perched in foliage, showing its spiky rufous crest, blue face, and red eye

Tiger Pistol Shrimp vs Texas Horned Lizard vs Hoatzin: A Shrimp That Fires a Sun-Hot Bubble, a Lizard That Shoots Blood From Its Eyes, and a Bird That Ferments Like a Cow and Smells Like One

One crustacean, one reptile, one bird, and three completely unrelated ways to horrify a predator. Let's judge them on cool, weird, and gross.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

A hairy frog, Trichobatrachus robustus, showing the hair-like dermal filaments along its flankA sea lamprey, Petromyzon marinus, showing its long eel-like body and round jawless sucker mouthOsedax japonicus bone-eating worms on display at Enoshima Aquarium, showing red feathery plumes

Hairy Frog vs Sea Lamprey vs Osedax Zombie Worm: A Frog That Grows Wolverine Claws From Its Own Snapped Bones, a Jawless Mouth-Ring That Drinks You, and a Worm With No Mouth That Eats Skeletons

Three creatures that all read the body-horror handbook and highlighted different chapters. A frog, a jawless not-quite-fish, and a boneless worm walk into a bar. Nobody leaves with all their fluids.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

A red-lipped batfish resting on the seafloor, showing its bright red lips and limb-like finsA lowland streaked tenrec with black fur and bright yellow stripes of spines along its backA wetapunga giant weta, a very large flightless cricket relative, perched on a branch

Red-Lipped Batfish vs Lowland Streaked Tenrec vs Wetapunga: A Fish in Lipstick That Can't Swim, a Mammal That Plays Itself Like a Violin, and a Bug as Heavy as a Sparrow

Three classes, three island nations, zero good decisions. We judge a Galapagos fish, a Madagascan stridulating mammal, and the heaviest insect ever weighed.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

A sarcastic fringehead poking its head out of a clear plastic tube on the sea floorA pink fairy armadillo specimen showing its small pink dorsal shell and silky white furAn assassin bug nymph carrying a mound of dead ant carcasses on its back

Sarcastic Fringehead vs Pink Fairy Armadillo vs Ant-Backpack Assassin Bug: A Fish That Kiss-Fights, a Dinner Roll That Swims Through Dirt, and a Bug That Wears Its Victims

One settles arguments by mouth-wrestling, one vanishes into solid ground, and one commutes wearing a pile of corpses. We judge all three on cool, weird, and gross.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

Scanning electron micrograph of an active Milnesium tardigradum showing its plump body, eight stubby legs, and clawed feet.A hairless, wrinkled pink naked mole-rat with prominent front teethA tongue-eating louse sitting inside the open mouth of a striped seabream where the tongue used to beA Pacific hagfish poking out of a hole on the seafloor at 150 meters depthA bombardier beetle of the genus Brachinus with an orange thorax and dark blue wing covers.

Weekend Special - Champion of the Week

Champion of the Week: Five Weekday Winners, One Crown

A space-proof bug, a deathless sausage, a tongue thief, a highway-slimer, and a butt-cannon beetle walk into a Saturday. Only one is Critter of the Week.

5 weeks ago · 6 min

Scanning electron micrograph of an active Milnesium tardigradum showing its plump body, eight stubby legs, and clawed feet.A live pink sea pig (Scotoplanes globosa) on the deep-sea floor with a small juvenile crab sheltering beneath it.A superb lyrebird standing on the forest floor, showing its long ornate tail and brown plumage.

Tardigrade vs Sea Pig vs Superb Lyrebird: A Bug That Survived Space, a Pig That Walks on the Sea Floor, and a Bird That Does a Chainsaw Impression

Three animals from three completely unrelated corners of existence, judged on cool, weird, and gross, because consistency is for cowards.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

A hairless, wrinkled pink naked mole-rat with prominent front teethA small dark reddish juvenile vampire squid drifting among white particles in deep waterA black male magnificent frigatebird with a red throat pouch beside a white-headed juvenile

Naked Mole-Rat vs Vampire Squid vs Magnificent Frigatebird: An Unkillable Wrinkly Sausage, a Squid From Hell That Eats Snow, and a Bird That Mugs You Mid-Air

One refuses to die. One refuses to be a real squid. One refuses to ever land. Three categories, one winner, zero editing.

6 weeks ago · 5 min

A flattened, leaf-shaped female Surinam toad specimen viewed from aboveA saiga antelope showing its distinctive large, downward-drooping noseA tongue-eating louse sitting inside the open mouth of a striped seabream where the tongue used to be

Surinam Toad vs Saiga Antelope vs Tongue-Eating Louse: A Back Full of Babies, a Honking Nose-Trunk, and a Bug That Becomes Your Tongue

Three animals that have absolutely nothing in common except that all three made me say out loud, in an empty room, 'no thank you.'

6 weeks ago · 5 min

A wild aye-aye clinging to a tree trunk at night, showing its large eyes, big ears, and thin fingersA Pacific hagfish poking out of a hole on the seafloor at 150 meters depthA velvet worm (Oroperipatus) photographed in Yasuni National Park, Ecuador, showing its soft segmented body and stubby legs

Aye-Aye vs Hagfish vs Velvet Worm: A Skeleton Finger, a Snot Bomb, and a 500-Million-Year-Old Glue Gun

One mammal, one jawless fish, one ancient invertebrate. Three completely unrelated ways to be deeply upsetting.

6 weeks ago · 5 min

A star-nosed mole showing its pink star-shaped ring of fleshy nose tentacles.A vividly colored peacock mantis shrimp with green, red, and blue armor on a reef.A bombardier beetle of the genus Brachinus with an orange thorax and dark blue wing covers.

Star-Nosed Mole vs Mantis Shrimp vs Bombardier Beetle: A Nose That Sees, a Fist That Boils Water, and a Butt That Shoots Boiling Acid

A blind mammal that eats faster than you can blink, a shrimp that punches at handgun speeds, and a beetle running a chemical reactor in its abdomen. Three creatures, three felonies against good taste, one winner.

6 weeks ago · 5 min

An ocean sunfish (Mola mola) swimming, showing its tall fins and truncated bodyA male peacock spider displaying its colorful iridescent abdomen

Ocean Sunfish vs Peacock Spider: The Biggest Doofus in the Sea Meets a 5mm Disco Ball

A two-ton fish that looks like a head that gave up, versus a spider the size of a grain of rice that dances for its life. Scale is meaningless here.

6 weeks ago · 4 min

A goblin shark showing its long flat snout and protrusible jawsA Chinese pangolin covered in brown keratin scalesA translucent green glass frog perched on a leaf

Goblin Shark vs Pangolin vs Glass Frog: A Slingshot Jaw, a Walking Pinecone, and a Frog You Can See Through

A deep-sea living fossil that fires its own face, an armored ant-vacuum that rolls into a ball, and an amphibian whose internal organs are a spectator sport.

7 weeks ago · 5 min

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