lamalo

Animal comparisons nobody asked for

by someone who loves to compare irrelevant things

The archive

Every matchup, ever

28 pointless rivalries and counting.

#totally-random 28#Mammalia 21#deep-sea 16#Actinopterygii 15#Insecta 15#cross-taxa 13#Aves 11#Malacostraca 7#Amphibia 6#Reptilia 6#venomous 5#champion-of-the-week 4#Anura 3#Arachnida 3#Chondrichthyes 3#Decapoda 3#Eulipotyphla 3#Gastropoda 3+88 more →
A burrowed bobbit worm (Eunice aphroditois) with iridescent body emerging from sedimentA large coconut crab (Birgus latro) with thick blue and orange legs on the groundA blue dragon sea slug (Glaucus atlanticus) with bright blue frilly cerata held in a handClose-up front view of an agile antechinus (Antechinus agilis), a small brown marsupial, on cloth

Bobbit Worm vs Coconut Crab vs Blue Dragon Sea Slug vs Agile Antechinus: A 10-Foot Sand Bear Trap, a Tree-Climbing Nutcracker That Weighs 9 Pounds, a Grape-Sized Slug That Mugs a Man o' War for Its Weapons, and a Mouse That Has So Much Sex It Falls Apart

A worm, a crab, a slug, and a marsupial walk into a bar. Three of them leave. One of them is legally dead from exhaustion.

4 weeks ago · 6 min

A shoebill standing upright showing its massive clog-shaped hooked bill and pale grey plumageA shaggy striped hairy frogfish resting on the seafloor covered in whisker-like skin spinesA bright red and black fuzzy velvet ant, a wingless wasp, walking on the groundA long-eared jerboa, a tiny desert rodent with enormous ears and long hind legs

Shoebill vs Hairy Frogfish vs Velvet Ant vs Long-Eared Jerboa: A Statue That Swallows Crocodiles, a Fish in a Bad Wig, a Wasp Named After Killing Cattle It Never Killed, and a Rodent That Is 80 Percent Ears

Four kingdoms of vibe, zero theme, one winner. Judged only on cool, weird, and gross.

4 weeks ago · 5 min

A barreleye fish specimen collected during a NOAA Gulf of Alaska seamounts expedition, showing its rounded head and upward eyesA Texas horned lizard on sandy ground, showing its flattened spiny body and crown of cranial hornsA wetapunga giant weta specimen from the Auckland Museum entomology collection, showing its heavy body and long spiny legsA pink fairy armadillo showing its small pale-pink dorsal shell and large front digging clawsA live Osedax japonicus bone-eating worm on display at Enoshima Aquarium in Japan

Weekend Special - Champion of the Week

Champion of the Week: A Glass-Headed Fish, a Blood-Squirting Lizard, a Sparrow-Sized Bug, a Blushing Sand Swimmer, and the Mouthless Worm That Ate Them All

Five weekday winners walk into the ring. One of them does not have a mouth, and somehow that is the one you should be afraid of.

4 weeks ago · 6 min

A Hispaniolan solenodon, a brown shrew-like mammal with a long flexible snout and small eyesA barreleye fish specimen collected from the deep sea, dome not intactA large glossy black Lord Howe Island stick insect specimen

Hispaniolan Solenodon vs Barreleye vs Lord Howe Tree Lobster: A Venomous Fossil That Smells Like a Goat, a Fish With a See-Through Skull, and a Bug That Came Back From the Dead

A mammal older than the last dinosaurs, a fish that looks up through its own transparent forehead, and the rarest insect on Earth walk into a bar. One leaves with a crown.

4 weeks ago · 5 min

A tiger pistol shrimp, banded and cream-colored, at the entrance of its sandy burrowA Texas horned lizard on dry ground, showing its spiky crown of horns and mottled tan camouflageA hoatzin perched in foliage, showing its spiky rufous crest, blue face, and red eye

Tiger Pistol Shrimp vs Texas Horned Lizard vs Hoatzin: A Shrimp That Fires a Sun-Hot Bubble, a Lizard That Shoots Blood From Its Eyes, and a Bird That Ferments Like a Cow and Smells Like One

One crustacean, one reptile, one bird, and three completely unrelated ways to horrify a predator. Let's judge them on cool, weird, and gross.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

A hairy frog, Trichobatrachus robustus, showing the hair-like dermal filaments along its flankA sea lamprey, Petromyzon marinus, showing its long eel-like body and round jawless sucker mouthOsedax japonicus bone-eating worms on display at Enoshima Aquarium, showing red feathery plumes

Hairy Frog vs Sea Lamprey vs Osedax Zombie Worm: A Frog That Grows Wolverine Claws From Its Own Snapped Bones, a Jawless Mouth-Ring That Drinks You, and a Worm With No Mouth That Eats Skeletons

Three creatures that all read the body-horror handbook and highlighted different chapters. A frog, a jawless not-quite-fish, and a boneless worm walk into a bar. Nobody leaves with all their fluids.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

A red-lipped batfish resting on the seafloor, showing its bright red lips and limb-like finsA lowland streaked tenrec with black fur and bright yellow stripes of spines along its backA wetapunga giant weta, a very large flightless cricket relative, perched on a branch

Red-Lipped Batfish vs Lowland Streaked Tenrec vs Wetapunga: A Fish in Lipstick That Can't Swim, a Mammal That Plays Itself Like a Violin, and a Bug as Heavy as a Sparrow

Three classes, three island nations, zero good decisions. We judge a Galapagos fish, a Madagascan stridulating mammal, and the heaviest insect ever weighed.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

A sarcastic fringehead poking its head out of a clear plastic tube on the sea floorA pink fairy armadillo specimen showing its small pink dorsal shell and silky white furAn assassin bug nymph carrying a mound of dead ant carcasses on its back

Sarcastic Fringehead vs Pink Fairy Armadillo vs Ant-Backpack Assassin Bug: A Fish That Kiss-Fights, a Dinner Roll That Swims Through Dirt, and a Bug That Wears Its Victims

One settles arguments by mouth-wrestling, one vanishes into solid ground, and one commutes wearing a pile of corpses. We judge all three on cool, weird, and gross.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

Scanning electron micrograph of an active Milnesium tardigradum showing its plump body, eight stubby legs, and clawed feet.A hairless, wrinkled pink naked mole-rat with prominent front teethA tongue-eating louse sitting inside the open mouth of a striped seabream where the tongue used to beA Pacific hagfish poking out of a hole on the seafloor at 150 meters depthA bombardier beetle of the genus Brachinus with an orange thorax and dark blue wing covers.

Weekend Special - Champion of the Week

Champion of the Week: Five Weekday Winners, One Crown

A space-proof bug, a deathless sausage, a tongue thief, a highway-slimer, and a butt-cannon beetle walk into a Saturday. Only one is Critter of the Week.

5 weeks ago · 6 min

Scanning electron micrograph of an active Milnesium tardigradum showing its plump body, eight stubby legs, and clawed feet.A live pink sea pig (Scotoplanes globosa) on the deep-sea floor with a small juvenile crab sheltering beneath it.A superb lyrebird standing on the forest floor, showing its long ornate tail and brown plumage.

Tardigrade vs Sea Pig vs Superb Lyrebird: A Bug That Survived Space, a Pig That Walks on the Sea Floor, and a Bird That Does a Chainsaw Impression

Three animals from three completely unrelated corners of existence, judged on cool, weird, and gross, because consistency is for cowards.

5 weeks ago · 5 min

A hairless, wrinkled pink naked mole-rat with prominent front teethA small dark reddish juvenile vampire squid drifting among white particles in deep waterA black male magnificent frigatebird with a red throat pouch beside a white-headed juvenile

Naked Mole-Rat vs Vampire Squid vs Magnificent Frigatebird: An Unkillable Wrinkly Sausage, a Squid From Hell That Eats Snow, and a Bird That Mugs You Mid-Air

One refuses to die. One refuses to be a real squid. One refuses to ever land. Three categories, one winner, zero editing.

6 weeks ago · 5 min

A flattened, leaf-shaped female Surinam toad specimen viewed from aboveA saiga antelope showing its distinctive large, downward-drooping noseA tongue-eating louse sitting inside the open mouth of a striped seabream where the tongue used to be

Surinam Toad vs Saiga Antelope vs Tongue-Eating Louse: A Back Full of Babies, a Honking Nose-Trunk, and a Bug That Becomes Your Tongue

Three animals that have absolutely nothing in common except that all three made me say out loud, in an empty room, 'no thank you.'

6 weeks ago · 5 min